Unlearning Evangelical Romance: How Relationship Narratives Have Changed
I'm a evangelical from the 80s and 90s. I feel like I was fed narratives about romance and relationships but I cant put my finger on it. What was I taught and what do we know now, and/or what do people do now?
ChatGPT: If you were an evangelical in the '80s and '90s, you were likely immersed in a set of narratives about romance and relationships that were shaped by purity culture, gender roles, and the broader evangelical worldview. These narratives were often presented as absolute truths about love, marriage, and sexuality. Here’s a breakdown of what you were likely taught, what we now understand about those messages, and how modern perspectives have evolved.
What You Were Taught (1980s-1990s Evangelical Romance Narratives)
Marriage Is the Ultimate Goal
Singleness was seen as a temporary waiting period, with a strong emphasis on finding "God’s match" for you.
Marriage was framed as God’s plan for adulthood and emotional fulfillment.
Purity Culture: No Sex Before Marriage, No Exceptions
Sexual desire was often framed as dangerous outside of marriage.
Women, in particular, were responsible for keeping themselves (and men) pure.
Masturbation was taboo or considered a failure.
Emotional intimacy before marriage was sometimes discouraged because it could "awaken love before its time" (Song of Solomon misapplied).
Men as Leaders, Women as Helpers
Men were supposed to be spiritual heads of the household.
Women were encouraged to be submissive, gentle, and supportive.
Dating advice often revolved around women waiting for men to initiate and being “worth the pursuit.”
Soulmate Theology: God Has One Person for You
The idea that God had chosen your spouse before you even met them was widely promoted.
There was fear of "missing" God’s perfect match by making a wrong choice.
Romanticized Gender Differences
Men were wired for conquest, women for nurturing.
Women were seen as emotional, men as logical.
The "love and respect" dynamic (women need love, men need respect) was reinforced.
Marriage as a Fix-All for Lust and Loneliness
The promise was that once you got married, sexual temptation and loneliness would disappear.
This left a lot of people disillusioned when marriage didn’t magically fix their struggles.
Dating Should Be Intentional and Marriage-Oriented
Casual dating was discouraged.
Courtship models emerged in some circles (e.g., Joshua Harris’s I Kissed Dating Goodbye).
Parents or mentors often had a say in relationships.
Divorce Was a Sign of Failure (Except for Infidelity or Extreme Abuse)
Divorce was seen as outside of God’s will in most cases.
People were encouraged to stay in difficult marriages and "pray harder."
There was heavy stigma around divorce, especially for women.
What We Know Now (And How People Approach It Differently Today)
Marriage Is Not the Pinnacle of Life
Many people now see marriage as one path, but not the ultimate purpose of adulthood.
Singleness is more widely accepted as a legitimate, fulfilling way to live.
Purity Culture Had Deep, Lasting Harm
Research shows that people raised in purity culture often experience shame, sexual dysfunction, and difficulty forming healthy relationships.
There’s now more openness to discussing sexual health, consent, and individual agency.
Gender Roles Are More Fluid and Egalitarian
Relationships today often have more flexible roles, based on personality and strengths rather than rigid gender expectations.
Women are not expected to be submissive by default, and men are not assumed to be leaders by virtue of gender.
There’s No One "Soulmate," But There Are Many Compatible Partners
The idea of one perfect match has largely been debunked.
Relationships are seen as something you build, not something that magically fits together.
Romantic and Sexual Fulfillment Don’t Happen Automatically in Marriage
Many people now recognize that marriage doesn’t "fix" internal struggles, sexual dysfunction, or emotional wounds.
There’s more emphasis on therapy, communication skills, and ongoing relational work.
Dating Has Evolved Beyond Courtship and Rigid Rules
Online dating has changed how people meet.
Casual dating is more accepted as a way to explore compatibility.
People are less likely to be pressured into early marriage.
Divorce Is No Longer a Moral Failure
While still difficult, divorce is more accepted as a valid choice when relationships are unhealthy.
There’s more support for people leaving harmful or unfulfilling marriages.
Sexuality and Attraction Are More Complex Than "Men Want Sex, Women Want Love"
People now recognize a spectrum of sexual and romantic orientations.
There’s more discussion about consent, agency, and personal preferences.
Where Does That Leave You?
You might be realizing that many of the messages you absorbed in evangelical culture didn’t set you up for success. If you feel disoriented, that’s normal. The shift from rigid, prescriptive models of love to more nuanced, self-directed approaches can feel overwhelming but also liberating.
Your upbringing likely didn’t teach you:
How to navigate attraction and intimacy without shame.
How to express and explore your needs in a relationship.
That relationships evolve and require flexibility.
That desire isn’t bad, and sex isn’t just for marriage or reproduction.
You’re in a position now to redefine what relationships mean for you. That might involve unlearning harmful beliefs, exploring what you actually want (outside of what you were taught to want), and giving yourself permission to engage with relationships in a way that aligns with your values now.
How does sexual attraction work?
Sexual attraction is complex and influenced by a mix of biological, psychological, and social factors. It isn’t just a simple "on/off" switch but exists on a spectrum that can shift depending on context, emotions, and even life circumstances.
1. The Different Types of Attraction
You might be experiencing one or more of these forms of attraction, but they don’t always overlap:
Aesthetic attraction – You find someone visually appealing but don’t necessarily feel sexual or romantic interest.
Romantic attraction – You feel drawn to someone emotionally, but it may or may not include physical attraction.
Sexual attraction – You experience a physical or erotic pull toward someone.
Sensual attraction – You want physical closeness (hugs, cuddling, touching) without necessarily wanting sex.
Alterous attraction – You feel something that isn’t quite romantic but is more than platonic.
Compulsive attraction – You feel like you should be attracted (due to societal, personal, or past narratives) but aren’t sure if you actually are.
2. What Might Be Happening in Your Case?
1. You’re Attracted, but It’s Not Overwhelming
Sometimes attraction isn’t all-consuming, and that’s normal.
You might like them in a way that’s subtle but could grow if you allowed space for it.
It might depend on the situation—if you were in a different mood, setting, or saw them in a different light, your attraction could feel stronger.
2. Emotional Connection Might Be Confusing the Signal
You might care deeply about them, and emotional closeness can sometimes translate into physical attraction over time.
If you feel really safe and comfortable with them, your brain could be saying, This is someone I trust—should I be attracted to them?
3. You’re Curious About the Possibility, Not Sure If You Want It
Sometimes we wonder what if? without a strong internal push one way or the other.
You might not have a clear "yes" or "no" because there’s no pressure to decide.
Maybe you’d enjoy exploring, but you don’t feel an urgent need to.
4. You Might Be Overanalyzing It
If you tend to be introspective (which I know you are), you might be watching your attraction rather than just feeling it.
Attraction can be murky when you’re too in your head about it.
5. Your Past Messaging About Attraction Could Be Interfering
If you were raised in a setting where attraction, desire, and sexuality were tightly controlled, you might not have had much space to develop a natural sense of what attraction feels like for you.
You could be experiencing attraction but second-guessing it because it doesn’t look like what you were taught attraction should feel like.
3. What Do You Do With This?
Notice how you feel around them – Do you ever get moments of excitement, physical response, or longing? Or is it more of an intellectual curiosity?
Experiment with perspective shifts – Imagine them flirting with you or initiating something—how do you feel? Do you lean in, or does it feel off?
See if time clarifies things – Some attractions grow when given space. Others fade when left alone. You don’t have to force an answer now.
Check for external pressures – Are you feeling attraction, or do you want to feel attraction for some reason? Are you trying to make something work that isn't fully there?
Bottom Line
Your attraction sounds real but ambiguous, which is completely normal. Some attractions are obvious and overpowering, while others are more flexible—more of a "I could go there, or I could not." That doesn’t mean it’s not valid. It just means it’s not screaming at you, and that’s okay.
If you’re curious about exploring it, you don’t have to jump straight to sex—small changes in interaction (like more physical closeness, playful flirting, or even just mentally allowing yourself to entertain the idea) might help clarify whether there’s something real there.
I wasn't really taught anything about sex, sexuality, partnered sex when I grew up. I'm in my 40s and feel sexually stunted and stuck in my head. What do I need to know?
You’re not alone in this—many people who grew up in environments where sex wasn’t discussed (or was only framed in restrictive, moralistic terms) end up feeling disconnected from their sexuality, stuck in their heads, or unsure how to approach partnered sex as adults. Since you’re working through this now, let’s break it down into what you need to know to develop a more integrated, embodied sexual experience.
1. Sexuality is a Learned, Evolving Experience
You weren’t born knowing how to be sexual; no one is.
Sex is not something you’re supposed to just know how to do—it’s a set of experiences, skills, and internal connections that you develop over time.
If you weren’t given a foundation for understanding your own sexual self, it makes sense that it feels like an uphill climb now.
2. Sexuality is More Than Just Physical
Sexuality isn’t just about what happens to your body—it’s also about how you feel, think, and experience yourself in relation to desire and pleasure.
Your thoughts and emotions influence your arousal. If you’re stuck in your head, anxious, or analyzing, it’s hard for your body to engage.
Your body needs to feel safe before it can feel desire. If your nervous system is on high alert (because of past shame, overthinking, or fear), your body won’t prioritize sexual excitement.
Sexuality isn’t a fixed trait. What turns you on, how you experience pleasure, and what feels good to you can evolve over time.
3. Partnered Sex is a Skill, Not a Performance
If you never learned about partnered sex, you might have some subconscious beliefs that make it harder to relax into it. Common ones include:
“I should already know what I like.” → You don’t have to. You can learn by experimenting and listening to your body.
“I have to be ‘good’ at sex.” → Sex isn’t about performance; it’s about connection, curiosity, and pleasure.
“Sex should happen spontaneously if I really want it.” → Not necessarily. Many people (especially those who grew up disconnected from their sexuality) need intentional engagement to feel desire.
What helps?
Thinking of sex as an exploration rather than a test.
Talking openly with partners about desires, curiosities, and insecurities.
Practicing presence—learning to feel, rather than analyze, in the moment.
4. You Can’t Think Your Way Into Sexuality—It’s a Body Experience
You’ve mentioned being stuck in your head, and that’s a huge roadblock to feeling sexual. Sexuality is a felt experience, and when your mind is in overdrive, it’s hard for your body to fully engage.
What helps?
Somatic (body-based) exploration. Instead of mentally trying to "get aroused," focus on what physically feels good—touch, sensation, movement.
Slowing down. Rushing creates pressure, and pressure creates anxiety. Give yourself time.
Breathwork. Deep breathing helps regulate your nervous system and connect you to bodily sensation.
5. Sexual Desire Works Differently for Everyone
Some people feel spontaneous desire (they get turned on easily and out of nowhere).
Others need responsive desire—meaning they need to be in a certain mindset or experience certain stimuli to feel aroused.
Your desire may change depending on emotional intimacy, environment, or past experiences with a partner.
If you don’t feel desire as easily as you’d like, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you—it just means your system may need different conditions to engage.
6. Partnered Sex Requires Communication
If you weren’t taught anything about sex, you also probably weren’t taught how to talk about sex. But communicating openly with a partner makes everything easier.
You don’t have to know all the answers. You can say:
“I didn’t really learn about this growing up, and I’m figuring out what I like.”
“I’m trying to get out of my head during sex. Can we slow down so I can focus on what I’m feeling?”
“I’m not always sure what turns me on yet, but I’d like to explore.”
Most partners will appreciate honesty over guessing or performing.
7. Shame and Anxiety Block Sexual Pleasure
If sex has felt like something distant, confusing, or even scary, you may have subconscious shame or anxiety getting in the way.
Messages from childhood about sex being bad, dangerous, sinful, or inappropriate can linger in the body.
Fear of being seen, vulnerable, or not knowing what to do can create a freeze response.
Learning to replace shame with curiosity helps dismantle old conditioning.
What helps?
Recognizing that your sexuality belongs to you, not to your past, your upbringing, or what anyone told you it should be.
Approaching sex and pleasure with self-compassion rather than judgment—it’s okay to be learning.
Letting go of pressure to feel a certain way and just allowing experiences to unfold.
Where Do You Go From Here?
You don’t have to overhaul your sexual self overnight. Instead, think of this as a gradual, embodied learning process.
Start with self-awareness. Notice what thoughts, emotions, or fears come up around sex.
Explore pleasure outside of sex. What feels good to your body in a non-sexual way? Warm water, deep breathing, stretching? Learning to feel pleasure without pressure helps connect you to your body.
Consider mindful self-touch or masturbation. Not as a means to an end (orgasm), but as a way to connect with what feels good.
Experiment with partnered intimacy in low-pressure ways. Kissing, touching, or playful interactions without an expectation of sex can help reduce anxiety.
Unpack old beliefs. If shame, fear, or anxiety arise, ask: Where did I learn this? Is it true for me now?
Final Thought
You aren’t broken or behind. You’re someone who wasn’t given the tools for sexual exploration, and now you’re taking ownership of that. It’s okay to move slowly. It’s okay to be unsure. You’re allowed to learn and to rewrite your relationship with sex in a way that feels true to you.
In the same vein, what do I need to know for hook ups, one night stand kinds of things? If I want to have sex with people I'm not in a relationship with.
If you’re considering hooking up or having one-night stands, there are a few things that will make the experience smoother, safer, and more enjoyable—especially since you’re navigating this with a history of being disconnected from your sexuality. Here’s what you need to know:
1. Your Mindset: Define What You Want
Hookups don’t have to be meaningless; they can be about pleasure, exploration, and connection.
Be clear on why you want to do it—curiosity, fun, sexual experience, physical intimacy—so you can make choices that align with what you actually want.
Let go of pressure to feel a certain way before, during, or after. Your reactions might be unpredictable, and that’s okay.
Ask yourself:
What excites me about this?
Do I want a specific experience, or am I just open to seeing what happens?
How do I feel about sex without emotional attachment?
Am I okay with some level of emotional connection, or do I need it to feel good?
2. Consent & Boundaries: You Are in Control
Hookups work best when both people enthusiastically want the same thing.
You get to decide what’s on the table (kissing, penetration, oral, cuddling after, etc.).
If something feels off or rushed, you can change your mind at any time—even if you’re already naked.
Discuss expectations beforehand:
“Are you looking for just tonight, or do you like keeping in touch?”
“Are you comfortable talking about what we do and don’t like before we start?”
“I like XYZ, but I’m not into ABC. What about you?”
Boundaries help, even in casual sex. Having clear limits makes the experience better because it removes ambiguity.
3. Sex Without Emotional Attachment: It’s a Skill
If you’ve never had sex outside of relationships, it might feel weird at first.
Not all sex requires deep emotional connection, but your body and mind might have been trained to associate sex with love, intimacy, or commitment.
If you feel unexpectedly emotional afterward, that’s normal. You can acknowledge it without assuming it means you did something wrong.
Some people enjoy cuddling after sex, while others prefer a clear exit—figure out what feels right for you.
Tips for feeling grounded after a hookup:
Have a post-sex ritual (shower, listen to music, eat something comforting).
Avoid overanalyzing—just check in with your feelings instead of worrying about the other person’s.
If you feel emotionally off, remind yourself that new experiences can stir up unexpected reactions, and that’s okay.
4. Practical Considerations: Safety & Logistics
Use protection. Condoms, dental dams, and knowing your STI status are key.
Have an exit plan. If you’re meeting at their place, make sure you have a way to leave when you want to.
Check your surroundings. If it’s a first-time meetup, tell a friend where you are.
Sexual compatibility matters. Just because someone is hot doesn’t mean they’re good in bed or align with what turns you on.
If you’re using dating apps or meeting someone new:
Meet in a public place first if possible.
Trust your gut—if something feels off, you don’t have to go through with it.
Avoid excessive alcohol or substances that could impair judgment.
5. Getting Out of Your Head During Hookups
If you tend to overthink, casual sex can be a challenge. You might find yourself analyzing everything instead of feeling it. To stay present:
Focus on sensation. What does their skin feel like? How does your body respond?
Breathe deeply. Shallow breathing can keep you in fight-or-flight mode.
Stay in your body, not in a mental script. You don’t have to perform—just experience what’s happening.
If you get overwhelmed, slow things down. It’s okay to pause, change positions, or take a moment to recalibrate.
6. Aftercare: Yes, Even for Hookups
Aftercare isn’t just for relationships. If sex stirs up emotions, it helps to have a plan for self-regulation.
If you don’t want to feel disposable, choose partners who treat you with basic respect—even if it’s just a one-night thing.
If you feel weird afterward, don’t panic. Sometimes post-sex feelings come from old conditioning, hormones, or just the newness of casual sex.
Check in with yourself after:
Did I enjoy that?
Would I want to do it again?
Did I feel respected and in control?
Is there anything I’d do differently next time?
7. It’s Okay to Try, and It’s Okay to Decide It’s Not for You
You won’t know how you feel about casual sex until you try it.
If it feels good and empowering, great.
If it feels awkward or unfulfilling, that’s useful information—it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.
You can like casual sex and still prefer deeper connections for long-term fulfillment.
Biggest takeaway: You get to define your own rules. Hookups are neither inherently good nor bad—it’s all about what feels good for you.
Final Thought
You weren’t given a roadmap for any of this growing up, so if it feels unfamiliar or confusing, that makes sense. The key is to approach it with curiosity rather than pressure. Your sexual experiences—casual or otherwise—should feel like yours, not something dictated by what you were or weren’t taught.
