My Background:
born in 1982 (social programming: misogyny, patriarchy, racism, white-washing, humancentrism, classism, American exceptionalism, capitalism, fatphobia, homophobia, celebrity culture; familial programming: my emotions are too big, my questions are too complex, I think too much, I am irrational, I am crazy, neglect)
raised evangelical Christian (religious programming: sinful at birth, non-married sexuality is a sin, body/mind/feelings are wicked, secular world is not to be trusted, I am not to be trusted, purity culture, existential trauma, binary mindset); struggled against the toxic doctrine for a decade alone with no one in my family nor community supporting me
radicalized and became a missionary for two years in Mexico; left in a fugue state and basically was in a fight/flight/freeze response for two decades all while seeking support in therapy
got married to the first guy who expressed interested in me. divorced after 5 years of abuse and codependency
soon after my divorce, I moved on to another partner, married him after two years and we were together for 11 years. We care deeply for one another but I think we were relatively codependent (I relied on him emotionally).
in 2017, my husband and I decided to open our marriage because I was having panic attacks before/during sex. i had to accept that what I went through in my childhood wasn’t just going away and I felt the need to explore more relationships to find out what was amiss
practicing polyamory began as a means to heal unfathomable trauma and has flowered into seeing the depths which humanity is capable of loving.
From 2003-2019, I worked at corporations. I recently discovered that corporations aren’t much dissimilar from cults. No wonder it was so triggering. Since 2019, I have been a combination of self-employed, working from home, or working for startups (big cultural difference). So long as life allows, I vow to never work from an office ever again. Working from home gives me the freedom from the corporate performing that is so required. And it allows me to control my environment so my mind is at its best for work.
Divorced my second husband amicably. Did his photos at his wedding to his new wife (who he was dating when we were married).
Presently subletting a loft/room from my friend in Camden Minneapolis along with my two cats, Maxie and Noodle.
My Romantic/Sexual/Partner Status:
I have two “partners” right now. One lives in Chicago, is married, also poly, and I see him every quarter or so. We aren’t having sex right now because of the sexual trauma that I am working through. My other partner is local, also poly, has a daughter and lives with his other partner and her daughter. He and I used to be domestic partners but it was a better arrangement for the parent partners to live together. I found myself grieving this loss over the last year. Me writing up all this information is a step I’m taking to seek out what I’m looking for: either a nesting partner or an anchor partner. While I want to date thoughtfully, I am indeed looking for something long-term and semi-enmeshed.
I have 1-2 date nights per week with one of my partners and see the other one every 3 months or so. I work 40 hours a week from home. I go on a daily walk. Every weekend I take a hike in the woods. I hang out with my mom and dad at least monthly. I hang out with my two best friends every Wednesday.
sex is a very confusing thing for me right now. i have a lot of sexual trauma from my religious indoctrination as well as being straight but experiencing a lot of abuse personally and systemically from men. so I am seeking connections with men who have or are doing their internal work on their misogyny so they can see me as a whole person and not some vagina to use. that said, I have a strong desire to unpack my sexual trauma but that isn’t going to happen on first dates or on hookups. I want a friend who I have sex with. Sex comes and goes, but the friendship should be the anchor.
I don’t flirt. I say how I feel very directly. If you want a coy, flirty partner to giggle and tickle your penis, I’m not your person.
I am getting more and more in touch with my feelings and my past every day. You should know that in addition to not flirting, I also am not overly saccharine about my affections. I love with my behavior and am pragmatic about it. If you’re seeking a lot of reassurance, I may have to reference you to observe my behavior.
What I Want In A Partner (some to many of these):
knows themselves well enough to know what their opinions and preferences are
knows how to listen, validate, and negotiate
Was/Is in therapy and/or has a robust circle of friends/family with whom you can open up to honestly and get support for your life
your eyes are WIDE open, looking around, taking all of this in with curiosity
You have a motorcycle. I love what I call “driving roulette”. Just coasting around, feeling the air, having an adventure.
You want to own a house in Minnesota. One of my dreams is owning and working on a home in Minnesota, preferably Minneapolis.
You may enjoy some TV but it is not a staple hobby of yours.
You love photography.
You love listening to live piano music.
You love reading books quietly.
You naturally take responsibility for messes. I will not be cleaning up after men for the rest of my life nor nagging them to take responsibility.
You don’t have and don’t want kids; I don’t have any & don’t want any but enjoy having kids in my life.
You travel and want a companion.
You have a lot of personal goals in your life and want encouragement and support.
You are self-driven yet also know how to lean on others and ask for help and guidance.
You are open to all of your emotions (not just anger, judgment, or fawning) and can communicate them. You’re emotionally aware and emotionally responsible.
You are not intimidated by women who know that they are people and don’t fawn for you.
You have always been a deep thinker and feeler. You tend to pause before judging others
Sex can be simple for you; about sensation, connection, intimacy, and pleasure.
You can take responsibility for any feelings you have about me having other romantic and sexual connections.
You don’t need me to appear in any particular way to feel connected to me. I don’t put much extra effort into my appearance, meaning I rarely wear makeup, have a simple haircut, often wear workout pants & tops & hoodies. I have a bit of an androgynous look to me but I am definitely a woman and I am definitely straight and definitely a sexual person. So, don’t worry about what I’m wearing.
You listen to yourself deeply and trust yourself. This is your guiding light.
You have a down-to-earth spirituality/philosophy. No god/spirit of the gaps. Just a quiet, beautiful witnessing of existence.
What I Want in a Partnership:
I want to deconstruct romantic relationships. I don’t want my life to rotate around my nesting/anchor partner. I don’t want to be identified by that relationship. I don’t want to be the only person you have and the only person I have. I want a relationship where our connection matters but we are still very much our own individual selves. We may share interests and projects, like hiking and nesting in a home, but it’s very important to me that we never assume participation from the other in our lives. I want freedom to schedule my own life, and you’d be invited often, but sometimes not. And I want the same for you. Many men I have met do not have sufficiently wide and sufficiently deep enough support and end up putting maternal needs onto their partner. I will not be doing that. I want us both to feel free to be ourselves openly and honestly with one another, never expecting the other to just agree emotionally but at least being secure that they’ll show up sincerely to the conversation.
I want our connection to include valuing things that are bigger than ourselves, such as the health of the planet and the state of our human community. I want us to be a force for good for the planet instead of purely self-indulgent, romantic hideaways. I volunteer my time for community building, serving the polyamory community with free support groups, doing photography for my neighborhood leadership group, and organizing a grassroots community of people seeking to learn how to be themselves again. I want these things to already matter to you, not something that you piggyback with me. Generally piggybacking on my personality and interests is a huge turn off to me.
Slow life. I have worked really hard to create a sense of financial stability so that I could slow down my life. I want to be with someone who has that same privilege/desire. Not overscheduled, burned out. But wakes up many mornings, not knowing what they’re going to do today.
Someone who takes responsibility for their own mental health. We can talk about it, but I will not hold responsibility for your mental health nor you mine.
Let’s cook, travel, nest, garden, hike, have sex, try new things together, watch a little bit of TV, smoke a lot of weed, ask really big existential questions, feel really big feelings, process really painful memories, have long and deep conversations, learn new stuff
Nature. I’m super into nature. I don’t know much about it and honestly I like just appreciating it for its essence instead of being satisfied by the knowledge of it. Let’s go hiking. Let’s keep a distance from each other as we hike, each going at our own pace.
As you can see, I have a lot of ideas and dreams for what a partnership could be, but I also am very against the relationship escalator. I want to mindfully design a relationship, discussing everything together, getting clarity and consensus. If you’ve ever said to someone “you think too much” or “you need to talk out too many things”, I am not your person. These are the steps necessary to make my life a conscious and intentional one.
I want to go on adventures… together and separate. I want you to have your own interests and goals that I don’t need to be a part of, and likewise, I’ll have my own that I may not want you to be a part of. Maybe it’s bigger things like traveling. Maybe it’s smaller things like taking scooters around downtown Minneapolis. Spontaneity and creativity are key.
The banal. I’d love someone to do banal day-to-day things. We go get groceries, cook together, do errands. It’s more fun that way.
Quiet time. If we got into a nesting situation or a situation where we spent a lot of time together, it’s essential to me to have quiet time where I don’t have to “human” with you. Historically, my brain feels loudest when I’m surrounded by others. Figuring out the balance of having a quiet mind while also spending time with a partner will be something I will be working on.
I want a relationship where we can get mad with one another. My childhood involved a lot of passive aggression and a lot of infantalization. I’m dying for direct communication including feelings of anger, judgment, and fear. Other relevant words here are codependence and hyperindividualism. I can’t do codependency. I just can’t anymore. But I also am not on the polar opposite of hyperindividualism. I seek balance.
No fawning. Dear god, please don’t fawn with me. I’m personally detoxing from it myself and I’ve done a damn good job of it so far. So I am looking for the same.
As far as your being my friend, with my friends I unpack a lot of trauma. I would enjoy having a partner with whom that was something that came to us naturally so we could share that as well.
Eventually… I think I may want a golden retriever. It’s a dream. We’ll see.
As far as how I live my life, I’m financially conservative/frugal. I buy a lot of my clothes at thrift shops and don’t buy much technology. I keep my bills trim. I have no debt. I have never had a credit card balance. I prefer buying groceries & cooking at home over eating out. It would be great to have a partner with their own income and we could share costs together. Note, I have no interest in merging my finances with someone else again in the future.
I want a relationship where we can process every day conflict. I would struggle having a partner who found it to be burdensome to have daily annoyances brought up.
If you’ve read all of this and your heart is soaring and saying, “Oh my god, this sounds amazing!!”, I am probably not your person. My person would probably read this and go, “yup, this is exactly what I’ve been thinking about and wanting myself.”