I’m tracing twenty years of coercion, collapse, desire, silence, and survival—and finally seeing the shape of what all those years made of me.

I’m learning what it means to survive after my inherited self has shattered—body horror, derealization, and all—and what it takes to rebuild a mind that was never allowed to be mine.

A grounded look at why my “flat” memory style isn’t broken, why vivid trauma-recall isn’t a universal human trait, and why I’m not missing out by avoiding EMDR and brainspotting.

I walked back into my authoritarian Christian high school expecting the old hierarchies and shame codes to clamp down again. Instead I found awkward midlifers, open talk about harm, and my nervous system quietly realizing the danger was gone.

Growing up in evangelicalism, I was never taught what emotions were—only how to interpret them as God’s approval or judgment. This conversation unpacks how that emotional colonization, a shrooms trip, years of therapy, weed, and even Tetris all intersected as I finally began to meet my own feelings as real and non-spiritual.

How I began imagining a steadier version of myself who can guide the terrified part of me that never had anyone to hold my hand through reality.

A look at how my YWAM writings and my 2020 shrooms debrief expose the systems that shaped me and the self I was trying to become.

A reflection on anxiety, identity wobble, relational confusion, and the overwhelm that comes when your mind won’t quiet down.

A look at how the show explores intergenerational pain, fractured realities, and the struggle to rewrite the narratives we inherit.

I’m looking back at the mushroom trip that cracked my consciousness in 2020, the rupture that forced me into years of existential work, deconstruction, and rebuilding a self I never knew I was missing.