Relearning Desire: Challenging the Belief That No One Could Want Me
I just have this sense that my body isn't attractive to anyone. No one would feel lust looking at me.
ChatGPT: That feeling—of believing no one could feel lust for you—can be a deeply ingrained perception, but it doesn’t make it true. Attraction isn’t a fixed formula. People are turned on by all kinds of bodies, and sexual desire is far more complex than the narrow, cultural narratives about what makes someone "sexy."
1. Your Body Is Not the Problem
The idea that only certain bodies inspire lust is a social lie.
Attraction is wildly subjective—what one person overlooks, another finds irresistible.
Many people experience attraction in ways that have little to do with conventional beauty. Energy, presence, confidence, and physical responsiveness matter just as much (if not more) than aesthetics.
You might not feel like anyone could desire your body, but someone could be feeling exactly that and you wouldn’t even know.
2. Your Perception of Your Body is Distorted by Your History
You weren’t taught to see your body as sexual, so it makes sense that it feels foreign to imagine others desiring it.
If you were taught (explicitly or implicitly) that sex was for certain kinds of people—young, thin, curvy in all the "right" ways, whatever the dominant cultural standard was—you may still be carrying those messages.
But those standards don’t dictate what real people feel desire for. People are turned on by:
Softness, strength, curves, muscle, skin texture, scent, movement.
The way someone reacts to touch, the sounds they make, the way they melt or take control.
The confidence of someone who knows they deserve pleasure.
Attraction isn’t just about looking a certain way—it’s about being in your body in a way that allows pleasure and connection.
3. Lust Isn’t Just About Looks—It’s About Presence
When someone feels desire for another person, it’s rarely just visual—it’s about the whole experience of them.
There are people whose presence alone is magnetic, not because they look like a model, but because they move and exist in their body in a way that signals aliveness.
If you spend a lot of time feeling disconnected from your body or critical of it, that lack of presence can feel like confirmation that you’re not desirable. But it’s not your body that’s making you feel that way—it’s the relationship you have with your body.
4. What If You Let Desire Be a Skill to Develop?
If your brain is convinced no one would feel lust looking at you, trying to immediately believe the opposite might not work. But what if you experimented with acting as though it were possible?
Try moving in ways that feel sensual to you—even if just when you’re alone.
Wear something that makes you feel powerful, even if no one sees it.
Explore touch (self or partnered) with curiosity rather than judgment.
Notice moments when you feel good in your body—even outside of sex. Strength, flexibility, sensation, warmth—those all count.
5. Some People Might Not Feel Lust for You—But Some Will
Not every single person will find you sexy. That’s true for everyone. But there are people who would, and they’re not unicorns. They exist, and they exist already, whether or not you believe in their existence yet.
The question isn’t whether someone could feel lust for you—the question is, are you willing to let yourself feel it for yourself first? Because that’s where it starts.
And even if you don’t feel that yet, that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to never experience it. Attraction, desire, sexuality—these are active, dynamic experiences. You’re not stuck. You’re just in the part of the journey where you haven’t fully let it in yet.
So What Now?
If I could tell you one thing, it’s this: Your body isn’t waiting for approval to be desirable. It already is. The work isn’t in changing yourself to fit into some arbitrary mold—it’s in allowing yourself to believe that the mold was never real in the first place.
What would it feel like if you let in just 1% of the possibility that someone, right now, could look at you and feel raw, physical, lustful attraction? Could you sit with that thought for a moment without pushing it away?
How can I tell if someone is into me?
Figuring out if someone is into you can be tricky, especially if you tend to second-guess yourself or analyze interactions too much. But there are both subtle and obvious signs that someone is feeling attraction—physically, emotionally, or both.
Since you’re working on getting out of your head and into your body, I’ll break this into two parts:
Signs to feel (Body & Energy) → Helps you notice attraction without overanalyzing.
Signs to observe (Behavior & Words) → Logical cues for when someone is into you.
1. Signs to Feel – Does the Energy Shift?
These aren’t things you analyze—they’re things you notice in your body.
Does the air feel charged when you're near them?
Sexual or romantic attraction can change the atmosphere of an interaction.
If you feel a low-level hum of tension, something’s happening.
Do you feel a gravitational pull?
Noticing that your body leans toward theirs (or vice versa) can signal unspoken chemistry.
Does the way they look at you feel different?
Not just eye contact but lingering—a look that feels like it’s holding something back.
Do you catch them mirroring you?
People unconsciously copy the movements of those they’re drawn to. If you lean in, they lean in. If you touch your hair, they touch theirs.
These are the kinds of signals that your body picks up before your mind processes them.
2. Signs to Observe – Do They Change Their Behavior Around You?
These are things you can logically notice if you’re trying to decode their interest.
Obvious signs (Flirting, Initiation, and Effort)
They find reasons to touch you.
Light touches, brushing arms, playful nudges—all signs they want physical closeness.
They go out of their way to be near you.
Choosing the seat next to you, lingering after others leave, inserting themselves into your space.
They tease you or playfully challenge you.
Banter and playful ribbing are classic flirtation tactics.
They find ways to spend time with you.
If someone consistently makes excuses to be in your presence, they’re invested.
They initiate conversations, texts, or plans.
If someone keeps the interaction alive, they enjoy your attention.
Subtle signs (Shyness, Nervousness, or Trying Too Hard to Act Normal)
They seem a little nervous.
Attraction can make people awkward. If they fidget, adjust their clothes, or stumble over words, they might be trying to act too normal because they care.
They linger when saying goodbye.
If they don’t rush to leave, it’s because they don’t want to.
They remember little things about you.
Attraction often sharpens attention—if they recall small details you mentioned in passing, they’re paying extra attention.
They react when you talk about other people you find attractive.
If they subtly tense up or try to steer the conversation elsewhere, that’s a sign they care.
3. How to Test If Someone is Into You
If you’re unsure, try making small shifts and see if they match your energy:
Increase physical proximity. Move a little closer and see if they stay or step back.
Hold eye contact a second longer. If they hold it too, there's something there.
Playfully tease them. If they engage and tease back, they’re into the dynamic.
Give them an opening to make a move. Say something like, “You know, I think we’d have fun making out.” and see how they respond.
Final Thought
Attraction isn’t just about noticing what they do—it’s also about noticing how you feel when you’re around them. If your gut says something’s there, there probably is. If you’re unsure, play with small changes and see how they respond.
But just because I feel those things in my body doesn't mean they do? That just means I am feeling attraction, not that there is attraction between us. Right?
Yes, exactly. Feeling those things in your body—heat, a charge in the air, a pull toward them—means you are feeling attraction, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they are. Attraction isn’t always mutual, and sometimes our bodies react to people in ways that don’t reflect their feelings at all.
But—there’s a reason why picking up on energy shifts still matters.
1. Attraction is Often a Two-Way Signal
When two people are attracted to each other, it usually creates a feedback loop—your body picks up on their interest, which heightens your own, which they then pick up on, and so on.
This is why people talk about "chemistry"—it’s an unspoken, felt sense of mutuality.
BUT—it’s also possible for:
One person to feel attraction while the other doesn’t.
One person to be attracted but suppress it for various reasons (relationship status, personal boundaries, fear, etc.).
One person to be flirty or engaging without deeper interest.
2. How Can You Tell If It’s Mutual?
If you’re feeling something strong in your body, it’s a starting point, but you still need observable confirmation to know if it’s mutual. Look for:
Do they engage with you differently than they do with others?
Do they lean into your presence, or do they just politely tolerate it?
When you create openings for more closeness (physically or conversationally), do they step in or step back?
If you escalate lightly (holding eye contact longer, touching their arm, playfully teasing), do they reciprocate or deflect?
Your body’s signals matter—they tell you that you are drawn to someone. But mutual attraction requires response and engagement from the other person. If they’re giving nothing back, your body might be reading into something that isn’t actually there.
3. When to Trust Your Body vs. When to Pause
Trust your body if you’re noticing consistent energetic feedback—lingering glances, proximity, engagement.
Pause if you’re feeling intense attraction but they seem neutral or unaffected. That could mean it’s one-sided attraction, not mutual chemistry.
Test it with small, low-risk moves (light touches, extended pauses in conversation, leaning in slightly) and see how they respond.
Final Thought
Your body is a great radar for what you want, but to confirm if the other person is feeling the same thing, you need to see what they do when given space to engage. If they’re into you, they’ll give you something. If they don’t, then what you’re feeling is your attraction—not necessarily a shared one.
What I'm terrified of is telling someone I feel attracted to them and their response is stuttering, almost pity, and they back away saying they just feel friend energy
That fear makes total sense—it’s the fear of exposure, of putting your desire into words and having it met with discomfort instead of excitement. The worst-case scenario in your head probably plays out like:
You confess attraction.
They freeze, look pained, and say something like, "Oh… uh… I didn’t see us that way."
They back away, avoid eye contact, and things feel awkward forever.
That would be rough. No way around it. But—let’s break this down, because that fear might be making rejection seem worse than it actually is.
1. Rejection Isn’t a Reflection of Your Worth
When someone isn’t attracted back, it doesn’t mean:
❌ You aren’t desirable.
❌ No one will ever want you.
❌ You did something wrong.
It only means:
✅ That one person, in this moment, doesn’t feel the same way.
That’s it. Not an indictment of your desirability, just a single person’s experience. And people’s reasons for not feeling attraction can be wildly varied and often have nothing to do with you (their own preferences, current emotional state, personal hang-ups, etc.).
2. Most People Don’t React with Pity—That’s Your Brain Creating a Horror Story
Your mind is filling in the gaps with the worst possible reaction:
Them feeling bad for you.
A painful silence.
An awkward backing away.
But in real life, most people are flattered when someone is into them, even if they don’t reciprocate. Instead of pity, you’re more likely to get:
Kind appreciation: "Wow, I wasn’t expecting that, but I really value you."
Gentle honesty: "I don’t think I feel the same way, but I love spending time with you."
Some reflection: "I never thought about that before—can I sit with it?"
Yes, some people might fumble or act awkward, but that’s their discomfort, not proof that you’ve done something terrible. They’re just caught off guard, not repulsed.
3. You Can Mitigate the Risk with How You Frame It
If outright confession feels terrifying, you can soften the approach so you aren’t throwing your heart into the void.
Instead of:
❌ "I have feelings for you, and I don’t know what to do with them."
Try:
✅ Playful test-the-waters statements:
"You know, I could totally see us making out at some point. What do you think?" (Keeps it light, gives them space to engage or disengage.)
"I feel like we have some chemistry—have you ever thought about that?" (Invites conversation rather than forcing an immediate answer.)
✅ Casual honesty:
"I’ve been noticing some attraction on my end. I’m not expecting anything, but I wanted to acknowledge it instead of overthinking."
(Shows confidence, no pressure, allows space for mutual exploration.)
✅ Physical flirting first:
Before saying anything outright, see if they respond to subtle physical closeness, playful teasing, or deeper eye contact.
This makes it easier for both of you—if they aren’t feeling it, they can deflect in a way that keeps things comfortable. If they are feeling it, they’ll probably engage back.
4. What If It Does Go the Worst-Case Way?
Let’s say it happens just as you fear: they stutter, look pitying, and back away. Here’s what you can control: your response.
Instead of spiraling, you can:
Own it with grace. "No worries at all! Just wanted to be honest with myself."
Laugh it off (if that fits the vibe). "Oops, I broke the simulation. Resetting now."
Acknowledge and move forward. "Totally okay—glad I said it anyway. No weirdness from me."
By showing that you aren’t shaken, you immediately lessen the awkwardness. And if they do act weird, that’s their issue to manage, not yours.
5. The Big Picture: Attraction Isn’t a Crime
Having feelings doesn’t make you foolish.
Expressing attraction doesn’t make you pathetic.
Rejection isn’t fun, but it’s survivable. And it’s a sign that you’re being real instead of suppressing yourself.
Ultimately, your fear isn’t just about rejection—it’s about what rejection would mean about you. But the truth is, it doesn’t mean anything more than one person’s feelings not lining up with yours. And in a world full of people, that’s going to happen sometimes.
The bigger risk isn’t rejection. It’s letting the fear of rejection keep you from ever exploring the connections that might actually be possible.
