Why Improv Felt So Hard: Processing Discomfort in Spontaneity
I took an improv class for the first time and it was REALLY hard and triggering but hard to put into words why. Knowing what you know about me, what do you think might have been happening?
ChatGPT:Given what I know about you, I can see a few possible reasons why improv might have been so difficult and triggering:
Fear of Being Seen Without Control – Improv requires you to be fully present and respond in the moment without overthinking. Since you’ve historically struggled with metacognitive OCD, derealization, and depersonalization, being asked to act spontaneously could have felt like a loss of control, which might have triggered panic or mental paralysis.
Masking and Authenticity Conflicts – You’ve talked about masking in relationships and social settings. Improv might have forced you into situations where you couldn’t carefully craft or control how you presented yourself, making you feel exposed or vulnerable in ways that were deeply uncomfortable.
Decision Paralysis and Mental Blocks – You’ve described struggling with choosing what to think about when asked to reflect. Improv demands immediate decision-making without time to analyze, which might have left you feeling frozen, disoriented, or disconnected from your ability to participate.
Emotional Expression and Performance Pressure – You’ve noted difficulties with emotions, desire, and embodiment. Improv can push you to access emotions quickly and perform them in a way that feels natural—something that might have clashed with your tendency to intellectualize feelings rather than inhabit them.
Group Dynamics and Unspoken Social Rules – Since you’ve had experiences of feeling disconnected from how people 'people,' the unstructured, high-energy, and sometimes chaotic nature of improv could have highlighted that disconnect, making it feel like others were 'getting it' while you struggled.
Embodiment Challenges – Since you’re working on becoming more embodied but have struggled with feeling your body in the moment, improv’s physical and spontaneous demands may have heightened your awareness of your body in an uncomfortable way.
Fear of Being Wrong or Not Doing It Right – If you still carry residue from perfectionism or needing to understand things deeply before engaging, improv’s 'just go with it' mentality may have triggered deep frustration, shame, or self-judgment.
Does any of this resonate, or did you feel something else that you can’t quite name yet?
All of it. What do I do then?
You’re in a tough but meaningful place—improv seems to have hit a nerve that intersects with multiple deep patterns in your life. That means there’s a lot of potential here, but also a risk of reinforcing distress if you push yourself too hard without the right support. Here’s how you might approach it:
1. Decide Whether to Continue (for Now)
Improv could be an amazing practice for you in self-trust, embodiment, spontaneity, and emotional expression—but only if it doesn’t feel like self-punishment.
Would you rather pause and process what this experience revealed first? Or do you feel drawn to keep going, with adjustments?
2. Adjust the Way You Participate
If you do continue, try shifting your approach to make it feel safer:
Lower the stakes. Treat it like a game, not a test. Remind yourself that 'bad' improv is often the funniest.
Find a micro-focus. Instead of worrying about the whole scene, pick one thing to play with—maybe exaggerating a facial expression or just reacting to your partner’s words.
Let go of needing to 'get it'. This class might be about tolerating the feeling of 'not getting it' without panicking.
3. Regulate Before and After
If your nervous system is flipping out, find ways to ground yourself before class (breathing, movement, shaking it out).
After class, check in with yourself. Instead of spiraling into over-analysis, try to notice: Did I have even one moment of ease or fun? What was hardest?
4. Bring in Your Self-Metaphor (Myrrhyopolis)
Your City Manager is probably freaking out, trying to control the situation. Can the Mayor step in and remind you that this is just one class, not a referendum on your entire being?
Could someone like Ted Lasso (Labor) or Ilana Wexler (Desire) help reframe it as a lighthearted challenge instead of a high-pressure performance?
5. Consider Why You’re Doing This
If this was just an experiment, you can step away knowing it showed you something valuable.
If you feel like improv could actually help with some of your struggles (self-expression, spontaneity, embodiment), then maybe it’s worth sticking with gently, on your own terms.
