Understanding Emotional Norms and Expectations
I hadn't realized we had emotional norms and expectations.
ChatGPT: Yeah, we do—big time. Society has unspoken rules about how we’re “supposed” to feel and express emotions, even though those expectations aren’t universal or natural for everyone. Meursault in The Stranger gets punished, not just for killing a man, but for failing to perform grief, regret, and guilt the way people expect.
Examples of Emotional Norms & Expectations in Society:
Grief: If a loved one dies, you’re expected to cry, look visibly sad, and take time to mourn. If you don’t, people assume something is wrong with you.
Romantic Love: There’s an expectation that if you love someone, you should be expressive—saying “I love you,” showing affection, missing them when they’re gone. If you’re emotionally neutral, people might doubt your love.
Happiness & Gratitude: If something good happens to you, you’re “supposed” to feel joyful and thankful. If you’re indifferent or unexcited, people see it as weird or ungrateful.
Regret & Guilt: If you do something morally questionable, society expects visible guilt, remorse, and self-reflection. If you don’t feel bad about your actions, you’re considered cold, sociopathic, or morally corrupt.
Enthusiasm & Engagement: If you act too indifferent in social settings—like at a wedding, a funeral, or a party—people might assume you’re rude, disinterested, or depressed.
Meursault Breaks These Rules
He doesn’t cry at his mother’s funeral → People think he’s a heartless monster.
He agrees to marry his girlfriend but doesn’t say he loves her → She finds it odd but still wants to be with him.
He kills a man and doesn’t offer a deep emotional justification → The court condemns him more for his lack of remorse than for the murder itself.
So What Does This Mean for Real Life?
You might not have realized these norms existed because they’re so ingrained in daily interactions. But if you’ve ever felt disconnected from emotions, unsure how to express them, or judged for not reacting the "right" way, then you’ve bumped up against these invisible social expectations.
Sometimes when I read books I come across a lot of words that I don't understand and sometimes those words happen a lot and I get really frustrated. It's hard because I feel like I have to pause and look up those words or it gives me shame for not understanding those words. What should I do to handle this so that I can read books with words that I don't understand without getting frustrated?
That frustration makes total sense, especially if it triggers shame about not already knowing the words. It sounds like you’re experiencing two things: (1) the cognitive disruption of unfamiliar words breaking your flow, and (2) the emotional response of feeling like you “should” understand them. Let’s tackle both.
1. Handling the Cognitive Disruption
Unfamiliar words can feel like roadblocks, but you don’t have to stop for every one. Here are ways to keep your momentum while still learning:
Guess from Context First – Instead of immediately looking up a word, try to infer its meaning based on the sentence. If the general idea still makes sense, move on without getting stuck.
Mark It and Move On – If the word keeps bothering you, underline or highlight it, then come back after you finish the chapter instead of interrupting your flow.
Limit Lookups – Challenge yourself to only look up 3-5 words per reading session. That way, you stay engaged with the book instead of getting stuck in definitions.
2. Handling the Emotional Response
The shame reaction is the bigger issue here. If seeing unfamiliar words makes you feel inadequate, that’s not about vocabulary—it’s about past conditioning around learning and intelligence. Some ways to shift your mindset:
Remind Yourself: Vocabulary Isn’t a Measure of Intelligence
Knowing a word doesn’t mean you understand an idea. Some of the smartest thinkers express complex ideas in simple language.
Flip the Narrative: Unfamiliar Words = Proof You’re Expanding
Instead of “I should already know this,” try: “This means I’m growing. This book is teaching me.”
Writers like David Foster Wallace or Nabokov had absurdly massive vocabularies—not knowing every word they used isn’t a failure, it’s normal.
Remember: Even the Best Writers Had to Learn These Words Too
Every writer whose work challenges you also had a point in their life where they didn’t know those words.
3. Adapting Your Reading Strategy
Different books require different approaches. If you’re reading something heavy, try:
Reading out loud – This slows you down and can help with understanding.
Listening to an audiobook while reading – Hearing the rhythm of sentences can make unknown words less daunting.
Reading a summary before diving in – Getting a general overview can make tough books less intimidating.
Final Thought: Give Yourself Permission to Not Know
Not knowing words doesn’t make you less intelligent—it makes you curious. The goal of reading isn’t to “prove” anything, it’s to engage with ideas. The more you read, the more natural it becomes.
Why do certain cultures hire mourners for funerals?
Hiring professional mourners, also known as moirologists, has been a practice in various cultures for centuries. The reasons behind it vary but often include:
Honoring the Deceased – Some societies believe that a loud and visible display of grief properly honors the dead. Professional mourners help amplify the sense of loss and respect for the person who has passed.
Social Expectations – In cultures where a strong public expression of grief is expected, hiring mourners ensures the funeral meets those social norms, especially if the deceased didn't have enough close relatives to generate an appropriate level of wailing or lamentation.
Symbolic Representation – In some traditions, mourners stand in for distant family members or for those who cannot attend. Their presence is a way of demonstrating that the deceased was valued and not alone in death.
Cathartic Purpose – Emotional displays at funerals can provide an outlet for grief, making it easier for family members to express their own sorrow. The mourners set the emotional tone and encourage others to participate in the grieving process.
Status and Prestige – In certain cultures, a large, dramatic funeral with many mourners reflects the social status of the deceased. Hiring mourners can enhance the perception of the person’s importance in their community.
Religious or Spiritual Beliefs – Some traditions hold that loud expressions of grief help guide the spirit to the afterlife or prevent it from lingering in the earthly realm.
This practice has been recorded in ancient Egypt, China, Greece, and Rome, and continues today in places like parts of Africa, the Middle East, and even certain Western communities with adapted versions of the tradition.
This makes me realize that each culture has its different expectations for emotions and yet across all cultures we have the same emotions. So, how would you express what America as a culture has expectations for emotions in?
America’s cultural expectations for emotions are complex because they vary based on region, social class, race, gender, religion, and even industry. However, there are some overarching emotional norms that shape American society:
Individualistic Expression vs. Emotional Containment – The U.S. values personal expression, encouraging people to "be themselves" and express their emotions authentically. At the same time, there’s an expectation to keep emotions controlled in professional or public settings. This creates a tension where people are encouraged to be "real" but not too real.
Happiness as a Social Obligation – There’s a strong cultural push toward optimism, positivity, and emotional resilience (often called "toxic positivity" when taken to extremes). The American Dream myth reinforces the idea that success and happiness are within everyone’s control, leading to pressure to always appear happy and upbeat.
Stoicism in Adversity – While expressing some emotions (like joy or excitement) is encouraged, deep grief, prolonged sadness, or mental distress can be met with discomfort. There’s an unspoken rule to process pain quickly and move on, often leading to platitudes like “everything happens for a reason.”
Emotional Independence – Unlike collectivist cultures that emphasize shared emotional experiences, American culture leans toward an independent approach to emotions. People are often expected to "handle their own feelings" rather than rely too much on communal support.
Gendered Emotional Expectations – Traditional American norms still pressure men to suppress vulnerability (aside from anger, which is more socially acceptable), while women are expected to be emotionally expressive but not too intense, or they risk being labeled "hysterical" or "too emotional."
Performative Empathy and Outrage – In the social media age, emotional expression is sometimes performative. Whether it’s public displays of grief for celebrities or outrage over political issues, there’s a cultural expectation to publicly signal one’s emotions on certain issues, even if the depth of feeling is questionable.
Workplace Emotional Etiquette – In professional settings, emotions are expected to be subdued. Enthusiasm and motivation are welcomed, but frustration, sadness, or personal struggles are often seen as unprofessional.
Celebratory Emotions in Excess – When it comes to sports, holidays, and patriotism, Americans lean into over-the-top emotional expression. Whether it's the Super Bowl, the Fourth of July, or election night, big emotions are encouraged in communal events.
In essence, American culture presents a paradox: emotions are meant to be personal and independent, yet they are also shaped by social expectations of positivity, resilience, and performative displays in certain settings. There’s room for expression, but it often comes with unspoken rules.
Having those bird's-eye view of cultures and their different emotional expectations, what can I do as an educated person with my culture? Do I just have to accept my culture, or does this put me in a position of being able to consciously make choices about how I want to manage and express my emotions? And if it's the latter, isn't that a lot of isolation from culture? Isn't that kind of lonely?
You’re in the unique position of being able to see your culture’s emotional expectations rather than just operating inside them unconsciously. That awareness gives you the power to choose how much you conform, resist, or reshape your emotional expression.
Do You Have to Accept Your Culture?
No, but you do have to acknowledge that it shapes you. Even if you reject certain cultural expectations, they will still affect how others interpret your emotions. You can’t fully step outside culture, but you can consciously engage with it—deciding where to conform for practicality and where to break the mold for authenticity.
Does Awareness Give You More Choice?
Yes, absolutely. Knowing that cultural norms aren’t universal means you can experiment. You can:
Reject toxic expectations (e.g., resisting the pressure to always appear happy or “bounce back” quickly).
Reclaim suppressed emotions (e.g., allowing yourself to grieve deeply or express anger when it’s valid).
Adopt useful cultural norms (e.g., embracing enthusiasm and emotional independence where they serve you).
In short, you can sculpt your emotional life instead of just inheriting it.
Does This Make You Isolated?
It can, but it doesn’t have to. Being aware of cultural norms while consciously shaping your emotional expression might mean you sometimes feel like an outsider—especially if your emotional responses don’t fit the script people expect. But that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to loneliness.
Connection is still possible—People appreciate authenticity, even if it’s different from the norm. The key is to find people who value emotional honesty over strict adherence to cultural expectations.
Cultural fluency is a skill—You can learn when to “speak the language” of your culture’s emotions for social ease while reserving deeper or alternative expressions for spaces that feel safer.
Being an outsider creates new opportunities—You can introduce new ways of feeling and expressing to those around you, creating micro-shifts in your social circles.
The Reality of This Path
Yes, stepping outside your culture’s default settings can be lonely at times. But it can also be liberating. You get to cultivate your own emotional integrity instead of being passively shaped by social expectations. The challenge is finding balance—remaining connected enough to others while staying true to your deeper awareness.
So the real question becomes: How do you want to live with this awareness? You don’t have to reject your culture wholesale, but you also don’t have to be fully shaped by it. You get to experiment, adapt, and decide what kind of emotional world you want to inhabit.
