Shifting Focus: Rebuilding My Relationship with Movement
<<OK, I've kind of made deal with myself to only tackle 1 big thing at a time. Last fall and winter it was looking for a house, buying the house, packing, moving, getting situated. Then it was getting a hang of my yard stuff. Then it was finishing my contract with Groove. Then it was get past my two visitors visiting (Graham and Stephanie). And most recently it was that I wanted to finish all of my home improvement projects for the year. And come this Wednesday, if all goes according to plan, all of my home improvement projects will be over (attic insulation, basement insulation, pipe repairs, drain replacement, new storm doors, lights in my back room). It's going to be a crazy 3 days ahead of me with all those projects, but they'll be done by end of Wednesday which frees me up to focus on something else. And I think I want to focus on my relationship with exercise (assuming my body is on board with focusing on that). There are many other areas of trauma that I want to focus on and work through but I'm hoping I can work on activity next. But I am open to whatever life brings my way, too. If I have the opportunity to start a new romantic relationship, maybe that'll be the time to work through some of my relational/sexual traumas. But all things being equal, it seems like a really good time to work on my relationship with activity. It's the beginning of June in Minnesota which means we have 3 fantastic weather months ahead of us. I work from home and could work anywhere I want. I could bike to a cafe every day just to get the exercise but still be able to work. I can really use this time to explore what kind of exercise I like and what structure? Maybe it's commuting exercise. Maybe I return to Zumba. Maybe I just walk. I also want to work on building strength in my body with weightlifting and I also want to work on body openness with yoga. But I think taking on activity (in any way) is probably big enough of a deal. Once that starts feeling less inflammed, I could start kneading in yoga, and then kneading in strengthening. So I guess my unofficial plan is starting Thursday I am going to try to use my repository of "effort energy" and point it towards physical activity. My most immediate goal isn't really body fitness, though, I fully expect and want it to come as a result of my efforts. But my most immediate goal is going to be more about observing what goes on in my mind when I exercise (or when I think about that I should). And start to build comprehension around what has been going on in my mind around activity. And I think working through that, the habit of exercise will naturally find its groove and I'll be able to drop this weight I don't like having. But this of course will need to continue to pair with building awareness around my relationship with food and numbing with food. I guess I am planning to do both at once. Somehow I feel like I'll be working on my relationship with food for a while so it'll better to just give that 20% of my effort and the rest to something less incendiary like exercise. I do feel like my mind is more open to share with me about exercise feelings than it is to share about my feelings about food and bingeing. So I am good with this approach. I had thought about making some big plan for my exercise return. Like, Couch to 5K or something. Some big plan. But then I thought of everything I'd learned about myself and humanity and realized I didn't really need a big plan or a structure. I just needed a bare minimum amount of effort and capacity to be present with my own thoughts and feelings. The big plan and structure can come after that, IF it calls to me. So I am resisting making a rigid plan. I am putting thought into what kinds of exercises are more accessible to me right now so that I could get maybe a little excited about it. Like, it really appeals to me to make it part of my work routine to bike to a cafe a certain number of days and work from there for 2 hours and then bike back home. Fitting in exercise during my work day gives me the pleasure of being efficient and getting away with something. I guess I am also considering just walking. It doesn't appeal to me a lot to walk in my neighborhood but I think I'm open to trying it on days where I have more effort to give. But ways around that are focusing on walking in ways and in places that I enjoy. LIke, I like doing my volunteer dog walking for the Minneapolis Animal Control. It's volunteering, not exercising. And there's a purpose that's not about me. It feels like a loophole for the rules in my head that are avoiding exercise. So I try to do one of those walks once a week. Then biking to a cafe for work. I dunno, maybe go back to Zumba? But it REALLY doesn't appeal to me to drive 20 minutes away to dance for an hour while I dissociate and feel everyone is watching me. I don't think I'm ready to engage with that yet. Oh, I also typically go on a walk once a week with my friend Josh.
So anyways, I wanted to share that today I went on a bike ride, which is a BIG deal since I've been avoiding exercise for a while now. I biked to my friend's house to check in on his cats while he is out of town. He is 4.5 miles away, a perfect distance. What appealed to me about that is that I took something that is an errand and made it exercise. It makes exercise have a purpose for a task I already feel is a priority. It was also meaningful because it meant I was spending less gas. It does honestly make me feel better than others, LOL. I'm not very ashamed of that,... it's just true. This exercise also make me feel a bit more autonomous. Like I can drive this body hard. This body is strong and I know how to use it.
So when I was biking I tried my best to pay attention to what my mind was doing that was causing me distress (and yes, to dissociate). Here were some of the thoughts:
"This exercise isn't enough. Just 5 miles. And there are hills, yes, but downhill hills which are a waste of time because they're not getting my heart going"
"Fuck, I'm pushing myself too hard. I'm going to crash and burn like I always do. Fuck the cycle is going to restart"
"Fuck, I'm not pushing myself hard enough and I'm not getting anything out of this exercise"
"This is barely a blip on the radar of what your body needs from you to get healthier. Fuck, I don't know if I can keep this up every day knowing that I'll have to wait a long time to see results"
"Damn, my shirt keeps rolling up because of my lower stomach fat. I hate seeing that roll. I hate it. Stay down shirt. I can't wait until I lose weight and clothes stay down"
"Am I there yet? Fuck... if I just wait, I'll be there any minute... how much time has past? 1 minute? FUCK. Am I there yet? Oh my god, I am just compulsively wanting to finish, what a waste for my mind to do that while I am biking"
"Fantasies about how people will look at me once I've lost the weight. They'll be attracted to me. They'll be impressed by me. They'll see me as human">>
ChatGPT: This is a big moment. Not because you went on a bike ride (though yes, that's badass and worth acknowledging), but because you're standing at the crossroads of effort and awareness—and you know it. You’re catching your own thoughts in real time, hearing their distortions, and still pedaling forward. That’s the real “fitness” right now—not your body, but your perception. So let’s strip it down and look at what you’re building here:
🧭 Your Real Plan (Even if It Feels Unofficial)
Phase 1 (Now): Get through the last burst of home projects. Conserve energy. Don’t let your brain bait you into starting the next thing before this one finishes.
Phase 2 (Starting Thursday): Channel your freed-up capacity toward movement—not to burn calories, but to observe your mental ecosystem when you move. That’s the real workout.
Phase 3 (Evolving): Once the noise settles, consider kneading in yoga for openness and strength training for capability—but not before your relationship with activity softens.
You don’t need a program. You need a pattern of honesty and curiosity. You already have it.
🧠 What You’re Doing That Matters (And Most People Skip)
You're:
Refusing to dissociate through “plans” (which are often avoidance dressed up as control)
Tracking your internal dialogue during movement
Letting your effort serve a real task (e.g., biking to check on cats) rather than inventing fake obligations ("go burn 300 calories")
Admitting what doesn’t feel good right now, like Zumba or local walks, without shaming yourself
This is all harder than buying a gym membership and pretending that’s momentum.
🔍 Let’s Decode the Thought Patterns You Noticed
“This isn’t enough / I’m not doing it right / I won’t see results.”
Classic internalized bootcamp voice. It pretends it’s motivating you, but it’s really trying to disqualify the value of presence. Your response: “I’m not doing this to get somewhere fast. I’m doing this to hear what’s been going on inside when I move.”
“Fuck, the cycle is going to restart.”
This is fear trying to protect you from disappointment. But the goal isn't a streak—it’s a relationship. So you can respond: “The point is not to never stop. The point is to keep returning without self-hate.”
“I hate how my body looks right now.”
This is pain masquerading as objectivity. The shirt rolling up isn’t the real problem—it’s the feeling of exposure. Counter-response: “I don’t have to love it, but I don’t need to punish it either. This is the body I have, and it's showing up.”
“Am I there yet?”
Your nervous system isn’t used to time passing without productivity, distraction, or dissociation. No shame here. It just means you’re practicing being with yourself.
“They’ll see me as human.”
This one cuts deep. It reveals what you already know: that fatphobia dehumanizes, and you’ve absorbed that poison. The good news is: you’re not trying to earn your humanity anymore. You’re trying to inhabit it.
✅ What’s Working (Don’t Gloss Over These)
You turned a chore into a bike ride. Functional movement > forced workouts.
You’re letting your mind speak, not silencing it with structure.
You understand this is about relationship, not results.
You’re holding food work in the background, knowing it’ll come up when it’s ready—not forcing it.
🧩 What Might Help Next
Create a “movement log” (written or voice) that captures how your mind behaved each time, not your distance or speed. That’s your real progress tracker.
Borrow “loopholes” from yourself. Volunteering, commuting by bike, social walks—great moves.
Return to this thought weekly: “I’m not working out. I’m eavesdropping on my brain while I move.”
Post-it on your door: “Movement is just a space to notice myself.”
You are not behind. You're at the precise frontier of your growth. And you don’t need to manipulate your mind into giving you motivation. You’re already sitting in the deeper fire: reclaiming your autonomy and body from years of punishment, programming, and survival-mode.
That’s more than enough for now.
<<Another thought I'm noticing is "fuck, I worked out yesterday but I still feel fat and lethargic today. This is going to take forever. I need relief from my heavy body FASTER.">>
Yeah. That’s the crash of reality hitting the fantasy that one “good day” will flip the switch.
Let’s take that thought head-on and name what’s under it.
💭 The Thought:
“Fuck, I worked out yesterday but I still feel fat and lethargic today. This is going to take forever. I need relief from my heavy body FASTER.”
⚙️ What’s Actually Being Said:
“I’m trapped in a body that feels uncomfortable and I thought movement would fix it fast.”
“I’m scared this is just another false start.”
“I don’t want a long haul. I want relief now.”
“I hate that my body isn’t giving me the dopamine payoff yet.”
“I thought showing up once would buy me some peace—and it didn’t.”
And most centrally:
“I want out of this body—but I’m stuck in it, and that’s terrifying.”
🔥 The Emotional Truth
This isn’t really about fitness. It’s about urgency and despair. You’re dealing with:
Years of feeling disconnected, judged, or betrayed by your body
A history of wanting your body to prove something (worth, control, success, safety)
A deep craving for sensation to match effort, and soon
And your body—frustratingly, truthfully—does not operate on emotional urgency. It doesn’t give fast relief. It gives slow returns. And right now, you’re stuck in that miserable middle space between effort and payoff.
🧭 What to Say to That Thought
Try something like this:
“Yeah, I hear you. You wanted relief. You wanted proof. You wanted the glow, the lightness, the shift. But this isn’t a transaction. This is a relationship. And like any real relationship, it takes time for trust to rebuild.”
Or if that’s too gentle, go gritty:
“One day won’t change my body. But one day gets me out of the hell of not trying. That’s the win. The rest will come.”
🏋️♀️ The Practical Reframe
Don’t chase “feeling lighter” the day after a workout. Chase hearing more of your own truth while moving.
Don’t measure progress by how your body looks or feels in 24 hours. Measure it by whether your self-abandonment reflex is weakening.
Use the desperation as fuel, not proof of failure:
“This feeling of urgency means I care. It means I’m in my body again. That’s the start—not the end.”
💡 Final Grounding Truth
Your body isn’t punishing you. It’s just not on your timeline.
You’re not doing it wrong. You’re just finally doing it real—and real is slow, uncomfortable, nonlinear, and full of days where you feel like shit.
This is the part most people quit. And that’s why you won’t.
