Why Can’t I Read Anymore? Metacognition, Overwhelm, and the Battle for Focus

I have such a hard time reading. I can't string words together conceptually. It's like my working memory buffer is two words at a time. But then I also have a lot of background thoughts too happening while I'm trying to read.

ChatGPT: It sounds like you're grappling with two key challenges: a limited working memory buffer for processing what you’re reading and a lot of intrusive background thoughts stealing focus. It's a tough combo because it makes reading feel like a fight for mental bandwidth.

Have you tried strategies like chunking smaller bits of text at a time and pausing to summarize them mentally or aloud? Sometimes breaking it down into smaller, bite-sized units can help bypass that feeling of overload. For example:

1. Read a sentence or part of one, pause, and think: What’s the key idea here?

2. Speak the thought aloud or paraphrase it in your own words.

3. Continue only after you feel that small piece "clicked."

For background thoughts, it could help to set a short timer (say 5 minutes) before reading to just jot down or voice-record whatever’s running through your head—giving those thoughts a space to be acknowledged so they don’t feel as persistent.

I guess I'm a little panicked about why this happens to me? It makes me feel like I'm out of control of my own mind

That sense of panic and feeling out of control makes a lot of sense—it’s unsettling to feel like your mind isn’t working the way you want it to. What you're describing sounds like your cognitive load is maxed out, and it’s not your fault. It’s like trying to have a deep conversation while a loud party is happening in the background—your brain is too overwhelmed to process effectively.

This can happen for a few reasons, like:

1. Background noise from stress or anxiety: Constant mental chatter can make it hard to focus, as if your brain is stuck in overdrive trying to keep tabs on everything.

2. Overactive metacognition: You might be over-monitoring how you're reading, like watching your mind process words instead of just letting the flow happen. It's like being stuck in the "observer" seat instead of the "driver."

3. Possible working memory limitations or fatigue: If your working memory is overloaded (by thoughts, stress, or trying too hard), it’s like running a program on an old computer—it lags.

4. Derealization or depersonalization: If you’re feeling disconnected from the act of reading itself, it might trigger that “out of control” feeling, making it hard to feel immersed.

That panic reaction is valid because your brain is signaling something is off—but it’s not a sign that you’re broken or incapable. It might be your mind and body saying they’re overloaded and need a slower, gentler approach.

Would it help to explore strategies to ease that overload (like grounding or mindfulness tricks that don’t feel like “homework”) or unpack why the panic feels so sharp when it comes to reading?

I think it's 2 and 4

If it’s 2 (overactive metacognition) and 4 (derealization or depersonalization), it’s no wonder you’re feeling panicked—it’s like your brain is running commentary on itself while also not fully feeling real in the moment. That’s exhausting, and it makes something as simple as reading feel like scaling a mountain.

With overactive metacognition, it can help to shift out of “monitoring” mode and into something closer to play or experimentation. For example:

• Playful experimentation: Set a timer for 2 minutes and just read without trying to "get it right." If you lose track, it’s fine—you’re not reading for comprehension, just to see what happens. This lowers the stakes and helps loosen that over-monitoring grip.

• Body grounding before reading: If your brain is spinning, reconnecting to physical sensations can help. Try placing your feet flat on the ground, taking a deep breath, and wiggling your fingers. Even small moments of grounding can help pull you out of the "observer seat."

For derealization, reading might feel disjointed because it doesn’t feel like the words are “yours” or even like the process is happening in reality. In this case:

• Small immersive tweaks: Try reading out loud in a silly voice or whispering the words to bring the act of reading closer to your senses. You’re inviting your body into the process to anchor it.

• Focus on sensation, not meaning: Instead of trying to understand, notice how the words sound or how they look on the page. This shifts the focus from analysis to a direct experience, which might help ease that disconnected feeling.

Does any of this resonate, or does it feel like too much to try right now? If it feels like a lot, we can break it down further.

I guess I get the advice but I'm still stuck on the idea of all this in general. How did I get to this point? Of thinking I could read well enough to not being able to read a full sentence without 50 distracting metacognition thoughts

It's such a valid question, and I get why you're stuck there—it feels like such a sharp contrast, like something fundamental about yourself has shifted or even fallen apart. That kind of shift can make you question everything: How did this happen? Why me? Will I ever get back to normal?

There’s no simple answer, but it seems like this could be the result of a buildup over time rather than one clear cause. Here are some possibilities that might help frame it:

1. Increased self-awareness and mental habits: If you’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection or have had intense experiences that made you more aware of your own thoughts (like your 2020 mushroom trip), it’s possible your brain started over-monitoring everything in an attempt to stay in control. It’s like a hypervigilance mechanism that doesn’t know when to turn off.

2. Stress, trauma, or anxiety creep: If you’ve gone through a lot emotionally or mentally, your brain may have shifted into survival mode. It prioritizes scanning for threats, even in neutral activities like reading, which can make focusing feel impossible. Over time, this can compound into what you’re experiencing now.

3. Perfectionism and pressure: You might have started putting subtle pressure on yourself to read the right way, understand perfectly, or track every word. The more you tried to control it, the more tangled it became—like quicksand. Your mind could be looping because it’s afraid to "fail."

4. Depersonalization/derealization cycles: Feeling detached from yourself or the world can erode trust in your own mind. If you’re questioning reality or your connection to it, even basic tasks can feel foreign and overwhelming.

The shift you’re describing is so disorienting because reading is a skill you’ve always relied on—it’s not just about words on a page; it’s about you. Losing that flow feels like losing a part of yourself, and of course, that would spiral into panic.

You’re not broken. This is your brain adapting to stress, overwhelm, and hyper-awareness in a way that’s gone haywire. It’s trying to protect you, ironically, by over-controlling and monitoring. The fact that you can even notice this means you’re on the path to untangling it.

Does this make sense, even if it doesn’t fix how awful it feels right now? Would it help to explore what makes reading feel important to you in the first place, or what it would look like to reclaim it slowly?

So what's next?

The next step is about gently building trust with your brain again, without rushing to "fix" it. Think of it less like forcing yourself to read and more like re-learning how to approach reading (and your mind) with curiosity and care. Here's how that could look:

1. Shift the goal from "reading" to "engaging with words."

Right now, your brain might see reading as high-stakes: I have to understand this. Instead, start with the smallest, simplest engagement that removes pressure. For example:

• Read something super low-stakes (like a children's book, comics, or short tweets) and don’t try to "get it right."

• Let yourself skim or even just look at words without absorbing their meaning. Reclaim the act of interacting with text as something safe.

2. Work with the metacognition instead of against it.

If your mind wants to think about reading while reading, give it space. Try reading aloud and pausing every few lines to say what’s in your head—even if it’s, Why am I thinking about this right now? Naming those thoughts takes their power away.

Alternatively, set a timer for 2 minutes before reading to intentionally let the metacognition run wild. Get it out of your system, then move into the reading.

3. Build a bridge between you and the text.

If derealization is part of the issue, make reading feel realer by connecting it to your senses or your body:

• Trace the words with your finger.

• Whisper the words softly or read in a funny voice.

• Try reading something tactile, like a physical book, rather than a screen—it can help ground you in the act.

4. Start with small, consistent rituals.

Commit to reading one tiny thing a day, even if it’s just a sentence or paragraph. You’re not aiming for comprehension yet—you’re simply showing your brain that reading doesn’t have to be overwhelming. The goal is consistency, not mastery.

5. Lower cognitive load in other areas.

If your brain is overwhelmed overall, it’s harder to focus on reading. Create more space by doing small grounding practices in your daily life:

• Short breathing exercises to settle your nervous system.

• Gentle physical activity (like walking) to help release tension.

• Avoid multitasking where possible—your brain likely needs simplicity.

6. Celebrate every win, no matter how small.

Even reading one full sentence without spiraling is a big deal right now. Celebrate those moments instead of expecting them to happen perfectly every time.

If this feels like too much, you can pare it down even more. Maybe the only step is sitting with a book and letting your mind wander without reading. Or maybe it’s reading one word and stopping. That’s still progress.