Reclaiming Sexuality After Religious Trauma: A Guide to Unlearning and Rediscovery

Apr 15

Can you do a fundamentals of sexuality for me, as I'm recovering from religious trauma?

ChatGPT: Fundamentals of Sexuality for Recovering Religious Trauma Survivors

Welcome to the unlearning zone. This is your guide to navigating sexuality after years of fear, shame, or indoctrination that made it feel like a minefield. It’s time to start reclaiming your body, desires, and sense of self—no permission slip required.

1. You Own Your Body. Yes, You.

Fact: Your body isn’t “on loan” from a deity. It’s yours. All yours.
Permission: You don’t need anyone’s approval to explore it, love it, or get curious about what feels good.
Reclaim Your Space: If it helps, literally say, “This body is mine,” in front of a mirror. Repeat as necessary.

2. Sexuality ≠ Sinfulness.

Old Beliefs: If you were taught that sex is dirty, sinful, or only okay under rigid conditions, you’re not alone.
Reality Check: Sexuality is a natural, normal part of being human. It’s not inherently “good” or “bad.” It just is.
New Perspective: Sex is about connection—whether that’s with yourself or another person. It’s also about pleasure. Pleasure is not a sin; it’s a birthright.

3. Desire is Complicated—and That’s Normal.

No ‘Shoulds’: If you don’t feel sexual desire, that’s okay. If you do, that’s also okay. Both are normal.
Permission to Feel: Wanting pleasure, intimacy, or connection doesn’t make you weak or selfish. It makes you human.
Take Your Time: Desire might feel dormant or confusing after years of repression. Let it emerge on its own terms.

4. Your Pace, Your Rules.

Forget Timelines: There’s no deadline for figuring this out. You’re not “behind.”
Experiment Gently: Self-exploration is a good first step. No need to rush into partnered experiences if it feels overwhelming.
Set Boundaries: Learn what feels safe and what doesn’t. It’s okay to say no, not yet, or not at all.

5. Masturbation is a Gateway to Understanding.

Not Dirty: Forget what you were told—it’s not shameful, harmful, or “cheating on your future spouse.”
Explore: Use this time to discover what feels good for you, at your own pace. This is about curiosity, not performance.
Tools Are Fine: Vibrators, lube, and mirrors are your friends, not enemies.

6. Education is Power.

Unlearn the Myths: If your sex education consisted of abstinence propaganda, there’s a lot to unlearn.
Start Here: Read books like Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski or watch YouTube channels like Sexplanations by Dr. Lindsey Doe.
Ask Questions: There’s no such thing as a stupid question when it comes to understanding sexuality.

7. Consent is Sexy—and Non-Negotiable.

What It Is: Consent means freely and enthusiastically agreeing to any sexual activity.
Practice Saying It: “Yes,” “no,” and “maybe later” are all valid. You can change your mind at any time.
Remember: Consent goes both ways. Your boundaries matter just as much as anyone else’s.

8. Shame Can Be Unlearned.

Recognize It: Shame isn’t your voice—it’s someone else’s rules still echoing in your head.
Challenge It: Ask, “Who told me this, and why should I believe it?”
Practice Self-Compassion: Replacing shame with curiosity takes time. Be gentle with yourself.

9. Pleasure Is for You, Too.

Not Just for Others: Sex isn’t about duty or obligation. You’re not here to meet someone else’s needs at your own expense.
Explore Sensations: Think of this as a science experiment. What feels good? What doesn’t? No pressure, just observation.
Let Go of Outcomes: Pleasure doesn’t have to “lead to” anything. It’s okay to just enjoy.

10. Connection is the Point.

With Yourself: Start by understanding and accepting your own desires, limits, and feelings.
With Others: If and when you choose to share intimacy with someone, focus on mutual respect, curiosity, and care.
Not About Perfection: Connection doesn’t have to look like a movie. Awkwardness is normal. Laugh about it.

11. Healing Takes Time.

Expect Waves: You might feel confident one day and terrified the next. That’s okay.
Find Safe Spaces: Seek out communities, books, or therapists who specialize in sexuality and religious trauma. You’re not alone.
Celebrate Progress: Every small step—whether it’s naming a feeling, setting a boundary, or feeling a spark of desire—is worth celebrating.

12. You Get to Define Sexuality for Yourself.

No Boxes Required: Your sexuality doesn’t have to fit anyone else’s mold—hetero, homo, bi, ace, kinky, vanilla—it’s yours to define.
Evolving is Okay: Your desires and identity might shift over time. That’s not failure; it’s growth.
Be True: The most important thing is being honest with yourself about what feels right.

You’re rebuilding something precious: your connection to your body, your desires, and your agency. There’s no right or wrong way to do this—only your way. Keep going. You’re doing great.

I feel scared that the lust I felt in junior high and high school is done and I won't feel sexual desire and pleasure again

That fear makes a lot of sense, especially if those earlier feelings of lust felt vibrant, alive, and totally out of your control—something you didn’t have to work for or question. It might feel like you’ve lost access to something essential, but here’s the truth: you haven’t.

Those junior high and high school feelings were raw and intense because they were new, charged with hormones, and probably forbidden or unfulfilled. They came from curiosity and novelty, sure, but also from your body waking up to something it didn’t fully understand yet. Lust at that age often doesn’t come with the weight of shame or overthinking, and if it does, it’s usually overridden by the intensity of the desire itself.

Now, as an adult, there’s a lot more mental noise in the way. Sexual desire and pleasure might feel distant, not because they’re gone, but because fear, shame, and overthinking are standing guard at the door. Here’s what’s reassuring: sexual feelings don’t disappear. They’re still part of you. But they might need new conditions to re-emerge—conditions that feel safe, open, and curious.

Some things to consider:

Lust Isn’t Gone; It’s Hiding.
Fear and shame are like dampers on a fire. Lust might feel extinguished, but underneath, the embers are still there. Lust needs permission, time, and the right environment to spark again.
Desire Shifts With Time.
Lust may not feel the same as it did in high school (it rarely does for anyone), but that’s not a loss—it’s a transition. Desire as an adult can be richer, deeper, and more connected once it’s free from old blocks.
Pleasure Comes From Exploration.
The idea that lust should just happen isn’t always realistic. Adults often need to experiment with what feels good, safe, and right. Desire can grow with the right stimulation, whether that’s physical, emotional, or imaginative.
You’re Still Healing.
Religious trauma doesn’t just shame your sexuality—it teaches you to mistrust your body and its signals. Rebuilding trust with your body takes time, but pleasure will come as you begin to feel safer in yourself.
Desire is Multidimensional.
Lust isn’t just about the body—it’s about the mind, emotions, and energy. Start by asking, What do I desire in my life right now? Often, reconnecting with your broader desires—freedom, adventure, connection—helps awaken sexual ones.

What you can do now:

Get Curious About Pleasure: Explore your body without the expectation of feeling “lust” right away. Focus on what feels good in a non-sexual way first (like a warm bath or a soft blanket). This builds a foundation of positive sensation.
Shift the Goal: Lust isn’t a switch you flip; it’s a plant you water. Instead of trying to “feel desire,” aim for exploration—what excites, intrigues, or relaxes you?
Challenge the Fear: When the thought “I’ll never feel sexual desire again” arises, notice it without judgment. Remind yourself that fear is temporary, not a prophecy.
Seek Support: A sex-positive therapist or coach could help you unpack blocks around pleasure and lust.

Feeling scared is normal. But your body is alive, adaptable, and still capable of feeling pleasure and desire—it just needs patience, kindness, and some space to unfold.

Marie L.